In the midst of quizzes, studying and working, I like to loaf. When I loaf, I like to watch afternoon TV. When the clock hits noon and I realize I forgot to do my homework anyway, daytime talk shows and public access channels offer me the simple solace I need to forget just how busy life is outside my soft couch cushions. This experience is only heightened by adding my favorite snack foods into the mix, a pleasure town of corn syrup and bleached enriched flour. Enter Pop-Tarts, the lethargic’s meal-in-one.
One day while partaking in this utter self-indulgence and trying to debate the importance of icing when enjoying this treat, I decided that Pop-Tarts have a specific mood and personality, almost like humans. So I resolved to combine my two afternoon weaknesses to see what flavors, in a perfect world, my favorite talk show hosts and personalities would be if they were tarts.
Oprah Oh, how far she has come. She has a loyal following, a plethora of famous guests and some people have said she has her own religion. She is classic, has been holding the microphone since the 80s and still wows crowds with her ability to look younger today than she did 20 years ago. Her interviews are touching, sometimes tear-jerking, while at the same time getting Hollywood’s most royal to jump on the couches with their shoes on. Oprah would be classic apple cinnamon, due to the timelessness of her comfort, and I can’t help but think she has had her fair share of pies in this lifetime.
Maury This man is the ultimate key to the door into life’s dirty secrets. Thirteen-year-olds wanting babies, paternity tests, love squares — it seems he discusses it all. Well, as long as it involves holding a smudged mirror to the dirty side of humanity, while still feeling like it’s OK to watch. Chocolate chip cookie dough flavor is what Maury would be, for being over-the-top yet satisfying with his style of show. After a half an hour, I am well satisfied for the day.
Jerry Springer This is an old standby, and you can be sure network TV will always have too many reruns to ever release on DVD. His show is gritty, sweaty and full of enough stereotypes to mislabel a box of crayons. Yet at the end of every show, he offers a last word to cleanse your mind of the dirt it has been covered in. Because I always turn the tube off feeling filthier than I did before, I think Jerry Springer would appropriately be cheese danish: Safe yet oddly creepy.
Tyra She is my favorite TV narcissist of all time. There is no personal story she pretends to hear that she doesn’t turn back on herself and her past misfortune, however trivial a “five head” may be compared to her modeling career. She covers every painful topic, from dressing up in fat suits to prove the second-class lifestyle obese women face, to dressing up like a stripper to show the second-class Lifestyles adult dancers put up with. Or whether she dresses up like a white girl to ... dress up and draw attention to herself just for the sake of it.
In the end, her publicity stunts have served audiences to feel better about themselves because, in the end, all we need is an overpaid, too-powerful model to tell us we’re all the same. Tyra’s flavor would be ... well, she would actually be a Hot Pocket, because there is nothing more human than a pizza pouch, and as she has stated time and time again, “Girl, I got an appetite you ain’t neva seen.” I’m sure she does.
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