 "Photo: May-Ying Lam")
I've only lived in Austin since August of 2005, but in that short time, I've learned much about the culture of the city. I quickly noticed that indie rock is a staple of many Austinites' musical diets. The "rock" in indie rock is largely a misnomer, as it does not call passion nor sincere Miller High Life consumption into play. Don't let the traditional guitar-bass-drums setup fool you.
Although many Austinites avoid music that truly rocks, such as "cock rock" or heavy metal, about once or twice a year, Austinties crave full-frontal rocking. The Alamo Drafthouse, one of the world's foremost innovators in cinematic experiences, created the "Power Balled Sing-Along" to provide rockin' nourishment, but it wasn't enough.
"We just needed to show all the bands with awesome hair and too much makeup in their true, hardcore, rock-hungry form," said Caitlin Stevens, one of the event's hosts.
Now, the good folks at the Drafthouse came up with the Monster Rock Sing-Along, which features the most adrenaline-pumped tunes from the Power Ballad favorites. Having attended this past Thursday, I want to get a sex change and be on "Rock of Love." It was that good. It better have been, because "the show was too packed full of awesomeness" that it was difficult to choose songs, according to Stevens. Since most prospective attendees have not had a youth filled with AC/DC and Twisted Sister listens, I've created a guide to help the residents of Austin get the most out of the Monster Rock Sing-Along.
1.Dress the part. Cock rock is as much about the look as it is the sound. Take heed from Dee Snider and borrow some of your girlfriend/wife's lingerie. Black leather is always good, but if you're not feeling so devilish, red, white and Bon Jovi lavender are also acceptable. Nothing needs to match - lime-green gloves and zebra pants go great together. A true cock rocker doesn't know what a sleeve is other than a musk-blocking impediment. Ladies love that musk. Teasing your hair is a must - you should use enough hairspray to make even Al Sharpton nauseous. If you are bald and/or have short hair, a wig will make up for the deficiency (only Bruce Dickinson and Rob Halford are exempt from this rule). "If you're a fan of David Lee Roth's flowing locks, then I highly recommend coming out," Stevens said.
2. Nothing sounds better than a BC Rich through an overdriven Marshall. Nothing.
3. Don't complain about sexism, because there's nothing wrong with being sexy. It's called "cock rock" for a reason. We treat all women equally as objects, whether she's our "Cherry Pie" or she just leads us "Into the Fire." When we wanna "Slip It In" a la Whitesnake or rave about how "the looser the waistband/ the deeper the quicksand," we're trying to make you feel beautiful. Bret Michaels would agree.
4. Show some life! Cock rock emphasizes movin' and shakin', whether it comes from "it's totally hetero, bro" crotch-thrusting to raising your fist in defiance at wimpiness. Air shredding is highly recommended, as it's the only way to worship Eddie Van Halen. For those sitting behind you while you're rocking out, Stevens has some advice: "The person behind you can't see? Guess what? They can stand up, too!"
5. 1980s Kiss is better than 1970s Kiss. If you want proof, YouTube "Lick it Up," "Heaven's on Fire" or, even better, "Tears are Falling." 1970s Kiss, however, is much better than Frehley's Comet. If you want proof, YouTube "Insane," "Rock Soldiers" or, even worse, "It's Over Now."
