In the summer, it’s easy to forget that campus is as dangerous as it is during the rest of the year. Even with fewer people around, thieves and brigands lurk about in full force, committing unspeakable crimes.
On June 5 of this year, according to UTPD’s Campus Watch e-mail, a “non-UT subject … initially stated that he had been robbed at machete point and was forced to change into lingerie… [but later] admitted to wearing the lingerie as a costume to solicit prostitution.” This is but one example of the nefarious figures that don’t stop their criminal dealings just because it’s the summer. Despite the relentless heat and the tempestuous thunderstorms, crime stays at high levels, endangering students’ safety, and more importantly, the safety of their bicycles.
While personal safety is important, bicycles serve as a primary method of transportation for many students and, in some circles, as a status symbol. Protecting your bicycle starts with locking it up and registering it with Parking and Transportation Services — but these rudimentary measures are not sufficient to stave off the bike swindlers responsible for the 1,472 bikes stolen in Austin last year, 482 of which were stolen near the UT campus.
Clearly, more measures are necessary to ensure the safety of your bicycle. That is why I have taken it upon myself to share some safety measures that I’ve been using to protect my beloved 10-speed ever since I acquired it by stealing it from someone who didn’t use proper safety precautions. I use each and every one of these methods.
Strap explosives to your bike that detonate when they’re not deactivated before you ride. An unaware would-be thief would be incinerated. However, I must warn you that this method is unsafe if you practice drunken riding. In your alcohol-lubricated state, you are far too likely to forget to deactivate the explosives before you ride home from the drinking establishment.
Put a “Do Not Steal” sign on your bicycle whenever you leave it unguarded. Though too many members of the Austin community lack respect for personal property rights, everyone respects a sign.
If you borrow money from mafia-backed sources (read: loan sharks), drop subtle hints about how important your family is to you and how little you value your bike. That way, when you inevitably default on the loan, the mobsters will go after your family, and your bike will remain safe.
Go to the library to check out a number of suspicious books (“Domestic Terrorism for Dummies,” “Mein Kampf,” “Goodnight Moon,” et al) until you get yourself under National Security Agency surveillance. Then, if someone steals your bike, simply call the NSA (301-688-6527) and ask them for a copy of their video surveillance during the time of the robbery. As an added bonus, the bike may even be retrieved before you call if the people watching you think that the bicycle thief is your accomplice and you are just trying to sneak a message past them, causing the NSA agents to unwittingly apprehend the thief in an attempt to stop inter-terrorist communication.
Finally, carry a block of gold around with you and place it next to your bike so that thieves will steal it instead of your transportation. There are a few obvious problems with this approach, namely the excess weight and space that carrying a block of gold necessitates. But if you carry a large enough bag and gain sufficient muscle mass, these problems should be resolved.
Choosing one of the aforementioned approaches, or any combination thereof, is crucial for ensuring the safety of your bike in this crime-ridden metropolis.
Miller is a women’s and gender studies sophomore
