At 2 p.m. sharp this Saturday, the 132nd annual Wimbledon finals are scheduled to begin. And since I am a typical American sports fan, I have only one request: Please, ladies of Wimbledon, do anything but make me uncomfortable.
The last decade of women’s tennis has been dominated by a resounding “paahhhhuggghh!!” flying from the vocal chords of just about every player, whether she is a high-ranking contender or a nobody with a racket.
As I tune into Wimbledon matches to gaze at the slender, tan bodies of some of Europe’s best-kept secrets, I get quite perturbed when these young ladies make me feel like a creep. Because I am an avid sports fan with an appreciation for the athletic abilities trapped inside these goddess’ bodies — I am absolutely not a creep!
So this year, I really wish Maria Sharapova would just jiggle and gyrate those golden thighs instead of grunting with the decibel force of a lioness (no really, Sharapova’s grunts clock in at 101 decibels, only 6 short of a lion’s roar). Even though she says that it is a natural side effect of her physical exertion during the game, I know the truth. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t heard that brand of grunting before.
Even female players have spoken out about this abhorrent behavior, so I know I’m right. One of tennis’ most legendary female contenders, Martina Navratilova, thinks the screams are unfairly distracting to the screamer’s opponents.
“It affected my game because to me it is important to hear the ball hit the racket; you can hear a bad shot before you can see it and the sound is an imperative part of the game,” said Navratilova in a June 7 piece for The Times U.K. Later in her piece she called for the behavior to be banned, because it is a form of cheating.
And as we all know, sports are the only area of life where cheating is absolutely not tolerated.
So, Sharapova and others must be told to stop their vocal teasing. Wait, no, I mean “vocal distracting.” Sharapova is distracting ME and how dare she not take ME into consideration when playing in one of the most prestigious and competitive professional tournaments of her entire career?
I’m pretty appalled by her audacity.
But I don’t have to worry about Sharpapova anymore; her unseeded awesomeness is no longer in the tournament.
In Sharapova’s absence, I have come to realize that women’s tennis is not exactly what I thought it was. A few days into the tournament, I found myself lamenting, “Where have all the hot girls gone?!”.
During the first days of Wimbledon, all I had to do was tune into widely publicized Center Court matches to find the best and the most Maxim-worthy.
Take my personal favorite, the angelic Maria Kirilenko. She might have been ranked 59th worldwide, but I am so glad I got to look at her ruffled mini skirt and flowing blonde hair on national television instead of endure a game featuring a Williams sister.
In fact, at the beginning, televised Wimbledon matches were an example of brilliant scheduling acumen. While the male players at Wimbledon were matched according to ranking and placed at a court according to prestige (i.e. Center Court is the best court, so the best players get to play there), the female players were matched and placed according to the arithmetic of hot.
Johnny Perkins, a spokesman for AEC, shared their secret with the press earlier
this week.
“Good looks are a factor,” Perkins said. “It’s not a coincidence that those (on Center Court) are attractive.”
Well thank you, Johnny Perkins, because if I ever had to watch the bland face of Dinara Safina (ranked No. 1 in the world) or the frightening muscles bulging off of Serena Williams (ranked No. 2), then it would have just been two people playing tennis. And that is not at all what women’s tennis is about!
So the best I can do this Sunday is watch the last matches of Wimbledon on mute to avoid the lascivious guffaws while I pray that the less-hot girly leftovers (or “finalists” or whatever you want to call them) at least get rained on so I can see their bits through Wimbledon regulation all-white sportswear.
Unless, of course, there is a real sport playing on another channel — then I’m out.
Lingwall is a plan II junior.
