College is a social environment — people meet each other for the first time on a daily basis. Some of these new relationships flicker and die as quickly as they’re born. The only interaction two people have in their entire lifetimes might be, “Hey, do you have the time?”
“Yeah, it’s 3:30.”
“Cool, thanks.”
The two then go separate ways, completely unaware that they each vote Democrat, have the same favorite movie, attended the same concert last weekend or maybe even have a mutual friend. Continuing a conversation beyond this bare minimum for no particular reason is pretty out of the ordinary, if not frowned upon. How often do you start up a conversation with the person in front of you at the bank just for kicks? If you’re standing by yourself and he’s standing by himself, what’s to stop you from alleviating your boredom with a little bit of chitchat?
I eat alone in Jester occasionally. It’s not that I’m antisocial, but if I need to grab a snack between classes, I won’t call somebody just to have someone to eat with.
The dining hall is full of solo-eaters, like me, more likely to sit alone than share a table with a stranger. Occasionally a person will boldly sit by someone new, but few can pull this off with an air of extroversion and nonchalance. Most of the time, a move like this comes off as desperate, forced and a little bit sad. People often assume intentions that may or not be there. Guys don’t force conversation with other guys because guys “just don’t do that.” A guy who sits next to a random girl is obviously hitting on her. A girl usually won’t sit next to a random guy for the same reason. In reality, each solitary eater is just as willing as the next to talk, but won’t initiate conversation for fear of sending the wrong signal.
Making a new friend is hard work. Neither person wants to come on too strong for fear of becoming “that guy who won’t stop calling me,” but one still has to convey enough interest to let the other person know that he or she wants to pursue some sort of relationship. During this building stage, people reveal carefully selected facets of their personalities to one another to give off just the right impression. If the other person responds positively, then we slowly let our guards down. Often a person may figure something out about his or her new friend that clearly isn’t up for discussion yet. For example, a friend of mine met a girl in some parking lot. She had a huge rainbow bumper sticker on the back of her car, leading him to the conclusion that she is gay. He didn’t feel comfortable broaching that subject with her without her consent. A couple weeks into the relationship, she “came out” to him. He faked surprise, but later revealed that he had figured it out. She asked him why he hadn’t said anything, and he told her that topic clearly hadn’t been up for discussion yet.
This happens a lot. Facebook, the greatest revolution to hit college since Jell-O wrestling, usually plays a big part in discovering information about new friends. I’ll meet a girl I know I’m going to be spending a lot of time with — at work, or in class, for example — we become Facebook friends, and I immediately know her phone number and address. I could call her to hang out on a particularly boring weekend, mention that my hobbies also include waterskiing and playing guitar or ask about her upcoming trip to Europe. But I can’t – it hasn’t naturally come up. All the information, though readily available, just isn’t on the table yet.
We limit potential relationships because of how we fear we’re being perceived. I don’t strike up a conversation with the girl a couple seats down from me because she’ll think I’m just trying to sleep with her. I don’t drop by someone’s apartment and ask if he want to grab coffee on a lazy Saturday, because I’m not supposed to know that we live in the same apartment complex. I don’t call someone and let them know that our favorite movie is playing at the Alamo Drafthouse on Saturday, because they haven’t given me their number yet. We’re constantly backtracking, needling someone to tell us something we already know so that we can discuss it freely. Sure, these borders exist for a reason — but it’s a shame that common sense, genuine interest and maybe some Internet savvy come off as nothing more than creepiness.
Jones is a plan II and communication studies senior.
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