Recently, one of our wonderful readers — yes, one of you, all of whom I love deeply — sent in a nice e-mail requesting for us at The Daily Texan to help you, the students and fans, become the best little Longhorn fans you could ever be.
I personally feel like y’all are doing a decent-enough job already, but the pleadings of the concerned e-mail were pretty serious, and fearing for your safety, I decided to heed its call.
That, and it was the first e-mail I had ever received from a reader, and I felt I should personally respond to it through this column.
By coincidence, I just so happen to be a student of both fan etiquette and history, making me perfectly qualified to teach you — the unwashed barbarian masses who always sing “The Eyes of Texas” too quickly — the tricks of the good fan trade.
For those of you concerned about my credentials, don’t worry. I earned both my master’s and doctorate degrees in advanced fandom under the tutelage of the world’s foremost professor in advanced college football studies — Dr. Lou Holtz.
And with UTEP mining its way into Austin this weekend, I have the perfect opportunity to teach you your first lesson in advanced fandom: how to arrive on time and stay for the whole game.
While we could have started with a less complex lesson, such as learning how to clap with the rhythm of the band or understand the rules of the game instead, I want us to first master the techniques required to arrive at our classroom — Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium, one of the nicest, largest classrooms of its kind — on time.
No teachers enjoy their pupils arriving late, and I am no different. If you can’t manage to reach your seat before the kickoff, expect to receive a tardy note, and we all know three tardy notes adds up to a swift revoking of your season tickets.
So to avoid this dire situation follow these three simple steps:
1. Know the actual time of kickoff. Do not rely on what your cousin’s girlfriend “thinks” is the correct time. We all know she isn’t a credible source for anything. Sorry, sometimes the truth hurts. If all forms of reliable information fail to provide you this answer, check The Daily Texan, which may or may not have this little nugget of info.
2. Once you have discovered and verified the correct time — no, Wikipedia isn’t a credible source for this either — make sure to head toward the stadium at least an hour before this kickoff. If you live away further away from the 40 Acres, well, good luck finding parking and navigating the chaos.
3. Enter the stadium more than 10 minutes before kickoff to avoid the horde of idiots who haven’t learned this lesson. I know what you are thinking: You actually enjoy standing in the hot, throbbing mass of people all trying to cram their way through the gates at the same time. We have all suffered from your affliction. But I promise that once you get past your phobia of actually arriving on time, you’ll enjoy the open range of the bleachers before kickoff.
So now that we have that settled, let’s move onto a more advanced skill: actually staying the length of the game … The whole game.
With UT-Creampuff on the schedule for Saturday, you will need to practice these advanced techniques to keep yourself in the stadium for the totality of the shellacking.
Do whatever you have to do to stay interested. I know that in our ADHD society it is nearly impossible to focus on one thing for any amount of time over three hours. Luckily for you, there’s an iPhone app for that.
So when you feel the urge to skip the fourth quarter Saturday, simply open up your iPhone and download the “We only have six home games this season, so savor every moment of what you got because in February I know you are going to be complaining about no football games” app.
It’s free and a really cool tool that I find very useful. If you don’t have the benefit of an iPhone, and somehow still find a way to survive till Saturday, try sneaking in a board game or a deck of cards to your section to keep you entertained to the final whistle.
“YES!! TRIPLE WORD SCORE,” the crowd will roar as you celebrate your impressive feat that coincidentally coincides with a rather mundane Colt McCoy spinning, juking, diving, flipping, flying touchdown. Amazing what happens when you stay the whole game. The band will even play the fight song in honor of your feat.
If you can’t sneak the Scrabble box in — there is only so much room after the 64-ounce flask — bring a sudoku or crossword puzzle in to help pass the time while you refuse to marvel at the unrivaled athletic talent on display rows below you.
And if neither of those options fits your fancy, start counting those in attendance to effectively double-check the number Godzillatron spits out late in the game. Because we all know you can never trust the counting ability of Godzillatron. Lastly, simply try to enjoy the football game— no matter how many points Texas is up by. Because you may be witnessing something historical this year, and I would hate for you to miss even a moment of it.
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